Our loved ones are getting older and will one day need elder care. Petra Weggel wrote The Elder Care Playbook to share her wealth of knowledge.
Episode Notes
This month, I’d like to introduce you to Petra Weggel. Petra is a graphic designer and a transplant from Germany who now lives in Haiku, Hawaii, which is on the island of Maui. Her parents in Germany started getting older a few years ago, to the point where they could no longer take care of themselves as well. With no one else to help her, she had to take on the roles of caregiver and care organizer from thousands of miles away.
After a few years of learning elder care from the ground up, Petra gathered her notes and wrote a book about her experiences. She self-published The Elder Care Playbook: How to organize care for your aging loved one in 2021. The book combines her own story of elder care with an exhaustive guide on everything a person needs to get started. We’ll talk about some of the contents of the book in a bit, but Petra writes with intricate detail about caring for an elderly loved one from the beginning to the end.
I’m 44 now, becoming an old head myself, and I’m reaching an age where some of my elders are starting to need help. I also know several friends and family who have had to figure out elder care for their loved ones for the first time over the last few years. What I’ve seen from watching their experiences is that the process can be incredibly complicated, especially when it comes to convincing a loved one that they need help. Petra and I will talk about that in a few minutes.
I will say that one topic Petra and I didn’t have time to talk about was finances, which can be one of the most challenging parts of maintaining care for an elderly loved one. She provides a ton of info and resources for this in the book, like a lot of other topics. Believe me when I say this book is thorough, so if you’re thinking about elder care for someone in the next few years, or if you’re in the middle of that process already, check out The Elder Care Playbook wherever you buy books or at theeldercareplaybook.com. I guarantee it’ll be a big help.
Here’s my conversation with Petra Weggel, author of The Elder Care Playbook.
Related Links
- The book’s website is theeldercareplaybook.com.
- Check out Petra’s Facebook page for the book @theeldercareplaybook.
Interview Transcript
Josh
I’m really impressed that this is your first book, just because of the depth of knowledge. There was even a section where I noticed that you were discussing the structural integrity of handrails for those that may need them in their homes. What motivated you to write the book?
Petra
That’s actually a very good question. I think my motivation—I want to say it wasn’t really motivation. It became obvious to me that a lot of people are dealing with the same issues as I have.
Josh
Yeah, myself included. I’ll say that.
Petra
I’ve been flying back and forth between Hawaii and Germany a lot. Typically I would talk with people next to my seat, and the topic would come up. When I would tell people like what I’m going through, sharing my personal experiences and so forth, I would very often hear them say like, “Oh my gosh, this is exactly what I’m dealing with,” or “Can you tell me more about it?”
The next thing you would know, the plane is going for the approach. They would thank me and would say, “Gosh, I wish you had more time to tell me more about this.” It was one of those very long-haul flights when all of a sudden it dawned on me. I’m like, ‘I have so much knowledge that I can share and why not write a book about it?’
Now I’m not an author by trade. I’m a graphic designer, but I have worked in the publishing field a lot. I felt like it shouldn’t be so difficult and I should just try it. [laughs] So that’s what I really did.
Josh
Yeah, and you did the graphic design for the book as well. I was noticing the cover looks really well designed.
Petra
Yeah, I literally did it from front to back.
Josh
Like I said before, there’s a lot of information we could talk about in the book because you cover so much. One important distinction that I noticed early on was you make a distinction between caregivers and care organizers when we talk about elder care. Would you mind elaborating on the difference between that? I have a general understanding, but why do you feel it’s necessary to separate the two?
Petra
The reason why I made that distinction is because, when somebody is not physically able to take care of a person because of physical distance— You might be living in a different town. You might be even living in a different state or, like in my case, I’m living in a different country. I cannot be physically available to my mom and give care. What I can do is manage the care, manage pretty much her life. I think that that is the main distinction between these two terms.
We usually always say, “Well, I’m caring for my mom or my dad.” That is in our speech. I would also consider myself to a certain extent, a caregiver. Whenever I’m there, I am caring for her, but as I said, the main role that I slipped into is managing her care. I feel like a lot of people would be in that same situation as me.
Josh
That was the impression I got as I read through the book. Those are two separate roles and it’s good to have an awareness as people are going through their own elder care journeys that they can switch between those two different roles, they have different responsibilities in those roles, and things like that.
I noticed early on in the process of caregiving for someone— You talk about organizing everything in a person’s life because you’re taking on the responsibilities of a second person. One of the early things in that process is having a talk with somebody. It can be difficult to get someone to recognize that they need to give up some of their responsibilities.
I was just wondering because you talk in the book about how that went with your parents. I think your mother was more receptive to that kind of talk, but your father was more stubborn and didn’t want to relinquish some of those responsibilities. How did that go? How did you eventually win him over?
Petra
That’s a very good question. I think in having the talk, it’s almost like a process. When I reflect back, I think in our case it was the same. It definitely took several attempts to bring up the topic.
Say you don’t see your parents that frequently. In my case, I would see them maybe twice or three times a year max. You see how they are getting older. You start worrying yourself about it, you will want to talk about it, and you get a lot of pushback.
In my mom’s case, I think she was much more receptive and probably equally worried as I was. In my dad’s case, there was a stubbornness and there was just like, “Don’t even start with me. I’m not old yet,” “I’m not giving up my car,” or, “Why are you talking about it? I’m fit!” [laughs]
Josh
Right.
Petra
There was all this push back. It was interesting: eventually I got them both to sit down and have that talk, that really serious conversation. I told both of them how much it weighs on me, and that I will have to fly back. If something happens, I am not able to just pack a bag and come over and be there and help.
I asked them what their plan is, how they envision dealing with something that goes wrong, whether that’s an illness, whether that is even something that’s failing in the house, anything that they can’t tackle themselves anymore. Do you even know what you’re doing? Do you have the support system?
I think once I made them aware that, “We should look at this. We should think about it a little,” then we were able to talk about that.
My parents had a garden, and they loved their garden. They used to garden for a long time, but it became overgrown. It was not manageable anymore. I said, “There is a guy who’s offering gardening services. Would you be willing and considering to hire somebody?” At first, it was “No. We’re not going to spend any money on that.” When I presented them with the numbers, it was all of a sudden like, “Oh, that’s not too bad.”
One of the things that I did before I had the talk is I had sort of noticed where they needed most of the help. I had already made my internal list as to what I needed to address. I just didn’t tell them that. I just knew for myself. ‘Okay, gardening is an issue,’ ‘Housekeeping is starting to be an issue,’ or, ‘There’s repairs on the house that needed to be done.’ My mom couldn’t possibly do them. She started already with macular degeneration, so that was a problem.
I tried to research services ahead of time so I came prepared. If they didn’t have an answer as to, “Okay, this is what we need to do,” I could tell them, “This is what I know. Let’s take a look at that and see whether that is something you want.”
Josh
…and make it that so that you’re still fulfilling their wishes. It’s just sort of a different way of working around what they’re able to put into meeting those.
Petra
Yes. I find it very important and want to know your listeners to know that we are dealing with adults. These are people with their own wishes with their own wants, with their own life. As children, we always try to make it better for them, make improvements and stuff, but they don’t want to be told like when we were children. We didn’t want to be told. Right? There’s a little bit of a role reversal. I think one has to be really sensitive to that.
Josh
That’s a good point.
Petra
People, when they get older, they don’t want to relinquish their willpower. They don’t want to relinquish and say, “I give up. You do everything.” They still want to have a purpose.
The biggest problem I see with people is they try to take that away from them. They still want to have agency, they still want to be able to do their thing whether we like it or not.
Again, I think we need to learn from them sometimes. “Okay, it’s been working for them for so long. Why are we rocking the boat?” so? That’s one of the things also with having the talk is to just find out how they envision their future, whether they even have thought about it. If they haven’t thought about it, perhaps plant a seed. [It’s] not in the sense saying, “Well, Mom, you know you can do this anymore. You should move into assisted living.” That’s not the way you want to have a talk. It’s more about like, “How would you like to live as you’re getting older, and what can I do to help?”
“To do that, I want to be supportive. I would like you to know that I’m there for you, and let’s figure this out,” or, “You tell me when you know you need me to figure something out for you.” Just giving them the sense that you’re there is huge, and also letting them know that it weighs on your mind. I think it’s another very important aspect. When I did this with my parents and told them that how much it weighs on me, that was basically what sealed the deal.
Josh
It’s ultimately a compassionate process, right? Where you’re seeing that they’re in need, you’re doing your best to meet them halfway and offer your strength to help them.
Petra
Exactly.
Josh
You don’t want to try to put them on a regimen of what they need. You wanna work with them. That sounds like a good way to approach it.
Petra
Yeah. We are creatures of comfort. As we get older, the more comfortable we get in our ways. If somebody is all of a sudden coming to you and saying, “No, we’re doing it differently now,” I guess we wouldn’t want that, right?
I’ve always told myself to put yourself into their shoes, come from that compassionate approach, and just help them and be there for them.
Josh
It sounded like it was a gratifying series of events, flying back and forth and [talking] to people on your flights about your elder care experience. Is that similar to the experiences you’ve had with what makes the book gratifying to you?
Petra
The most gratification I’ve gotten is from real-life scenarios where somebody would, for example, be confronted with a really bad situation.
A very dear friend of mine came down with Lewy body dementia…
Josh
Oh my gosh.
Petra
The daughter didn’t live close to her mother and was confronted with that new situation. She had just graduated, and she was just totally overwhelmed. When I first talked to her, she didn’t even know I had written the book. I happened to have a copy in my bag and I gave it to her.
I said, “Look, you don’t need to read everything in here.” I turned her to a particular chapter and said, “Read this and get on it. You don’t have any time to waste here.” Later, when she got her mom situated, she found a nursing facility and all that, she reached out back to me and couldn’t thank me more for the help.
Josh
That’s awesome.
Petra
I don’t know how many books I’m going to sell, but this alone was just so, so gratifying.
Josh
I’m really glad to hear that happened. I’m sure as awareness for the book grows, there will be more experiences like that where people will say— [flipping pages] I guess I’m playing the role of the reader and just thinking. I’m looking at the “Who Is Who” section of the checklist section and I’m just like— I would have never thought to put all these things together. You’re really putting together a resource that people can use for years to come as they’re going through their own journeys. That sounds gratifying to me.
Petra
Yeah. As I said, there are other stories. They’re all about situations where your life is all of a sudden being turned upside down and you’re confronted with a scenario that you are not ready yet and you don’t know where to begin. My goal with the book is to give people sort of a road map and also show them where there might be holes within their knowledge. If they can plug those holes, that’s awesome.
Josh
There’s a lot in the book. There’s a chapter on the talk, there’s at least one chapter on finances, there’s several checklists. Then there’s a section on self-care: taking care of yourself as you’re going through the process of caring for someone else. What would you say as a summary statement? What if someone is beginning to think about this process for themselves, or maybe they’re already in the middle of the process? What would you say to someone who is caring for an elderly parent or relative?
Petra
The first thing I would want to tell them is don’t beat yourself up and get to the point where you have this doubt and feeling of guilt that you can’t be there. That is an awful place to be, number one. When you realize that there is a lot to do, even when you cannot be physically there and be that caregiver, you can manage the care. The better you manage the care, the better the outcome will be.
My advice is to start early. My advice is also if the parent or loved one is not receptive to having the talk, do all your homework, organize your own life. Make it so that you can, at the spur of the moment, pack your bag, fly or drive, and be there if you have to. In case of independent living scenarios, assisted living, nursing homes scenarios, whatever that is: do your homework. You don’t need permission of your loved one to do that. You can do that on your own. Create that knowledge base. That is really what helps.
People keep their calm and avoid burnout in the long run because when things happen—it is so easy to burn out, you know, you’ll be overwhelmed. There are lots of emotions going on. You might be torn between your own family. You might have your own life, your job, and then your aging parent. You’re constantly being pulled left and right, and you’re not yourself anymore. That’s where that self-care aspect comes to play.
That is my advice. Start early. If you know your parent wants to stay in their place, whatever that place is, you can already try to figure out how to make that happen. [That could be] in-home care or modifying the house, you can figure that out in your mind. Again, you don’t need permission to do that. You can just have that in your pocket. You pull it out when you need it. Maybe you never need it, but just the preparation alone goes a long way.
Josh
This has all been really good advice as I hinted before. I’m going through this myself. I know several people in my life that are either in the early stages of figuring out how to care for an elderly relative or they’re in the middle of the process. The reason I reached out to you is because I just find this book so valuable, I can’t say enough good things about all the information that you put in.
Petra
Thank you.
Josh
…especially for your first book, that’s what blows me away. I know you’ve had experience in the publishing industry, but still. I guess I’m stressing to the listeners that there’s just there’s so much in this book that that’s valuable. I’m grateful that you made the time to talk with me about it, Petra. [pauses] It’s leaving me speechless a little bit. [laughs]
Petra
Well, thank you so much Josh for giving me the time.